cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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