you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
