I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
