her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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