Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
