Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
