wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
