I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
