Can i not drive my cunt home
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
