When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
