he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
