My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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