im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
