3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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