it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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