I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
