My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
