My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
