so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
