Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
