I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
