If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
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when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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