he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
