You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
