Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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