Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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