A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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