for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
