Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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