Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
