omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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