im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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