I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
