i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
