This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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