You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
