my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
