My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
