I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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