guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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