I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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