I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
farters have to be the big spoon...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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