and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
