I want to have your abortion
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
