We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
