his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
