you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
