Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
