it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
