Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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