I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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