Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
