My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
