genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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